Feeling off course. I’m not cut out to do what I’m doing right now. Not enough of a people person. Or rather not enough of a clean cut conservative “hey howdy” kind of people person. I’d rather get into the real stuff, the freaky stuff, the stuff that makes each of us unique and the underlying bits of ourselves that are never talked about that make us the same. Polite chit chat isn’t my forte.
What is my forte is coming up with whack ideas. Building a team around that idea. Figuring out how to make it happen. Crazy, wierd, dumb stuff, but amazing all at the same time.
I went by the Moment Factory today, mistakenly thinking their open house was today when its actually tomorrow. I don’t know a lot about them, but what I do know I like. They’re all about interesting creative projects like giant LED beach balls at Coachella or wild projections on buildings. Stuff I dig. I’d kill to intern there. So many other places too…
What I realised today is that the shit jobs I take to pay the bills take up so much of my mental energy to endure that I don’t have much energy left to do what I love. I spend so much brain power just convincing myself to go to work its exhausting, because really I don’t want to. What I need to do is let go of the shame, frustration and resistance, do the “get me by” job as quickly and as efficiently as possible, and then use all that energy I’ve saved to do the real stuff. The more I do what I love, the more what I love will approach me and my path, until we cross, and suddenly I’m on that path, fully and completely.
Almost there. That’s why its so hard. I can SEE the other path from where I am and I keep trying to get to it but derail myself in the process. Impatience is what’s holding me back. Soon enough there’ll be a switching track ahead, and I need to be ready for it. I need to see it well in advance and be prepared with all my energy, enthusiasm, hard work and practice. Yeah. That’s what I’ve gotta do.