Admitting What I Want

Something strange about growing up. As bills and debts and schedules begin to mount so dreams and passion can easily begin to slip away, lost amongst the minutae of living a modern life. All too often I have found myself lamenting the loss of that youthful enthusiasm and straightforward purpose that I felt I possessed as a youth but somehow seem to have forgotten. Its not gone, its just obscured by being “a responsible adult” when really that’s just a load of wash. The passion and desire is still there, there’s just so many signs, signals and subtle hints that really you should forget about that and be a good little cubicle critter and not think outside of the box. Be responsible. Blah blah blah.

Last I checked nobody made a fortune or found their sense of self-worth at the bottom of a balance sheet. They did it by following some other inner guide that led them somewhere new, someplace that could be imagined by nobody but them.

So here we go. Here are my real dreams and my real passions and what I want to achieve in life. Its a list for several lifetimes perhaps, but even a few of them will make me and the world better, and that’s really what we should be here doing. Not just carrying on as though this is the only world that could be.

  • Write and direct a Science Fiction series that’s actually smart/dramatic like SG-U or Babylon 5.
  • Create a comic book/graphic novel or two, specifically Downsiders & Bronze Tiger.
  • Create fun/educational promotional videos for businesses/organizations/products involved in environmental/sustainability/human rights work, particularly alternative energy, public transportation and education/empowerment programs.
  • Collaborate on dynamic, beautiful and artistic video & multimedia projects with performing artists such as musicians, dancers and circus performers. Music videos, but also a lot more, creating new genres of cinema in collaboration with the performing arts.
  • Working under trying circumstances to bring about a great creative or sustainability/human rights project. I love pushing my limits.
  • Create engaging & unique videos/multimedia experiences that help to convey scientific principles, social and cultural realities to new audiences so that they truly understand and engage with those concepts/points of view.
  • Create interactive events and environments with the goal of creating opportunities for participants to have breakthrough moments, moments of transcendence, wonder and radical communication. Connecting creative and intellectual communities in ways that encourage new possibilities.
  • Support arts organizations in connecting more meaningfully with their communities, particularly through youth education and empowerment.
  • Building innovative light and sound installations as well as upgrading existing structures with the same to create new perceptions of these spaces and their uses for the community.
  • Empowering community members to bypass typical gatekeepers and restrictions, allowing them to pursue projects that will enhance and strengthen ties within their community instead of relying on government and other outsiders for such enhancements.
  • Supporting artists in the development and promotion of their work with a particular focus on reaching the general public instead of just an elite art market.
  • Make a feature film about subjects that are of interest to me, such as the travel film Standby.
  • Short film projects revolving around simple overlooked subjects such as the Metro or a particular colour, using images and sound to create a poetic reflection that leads to a deeper understanding and appreciation of the subject.
  • To build a community art space that provides resources and a venue for a diverse community to gather and make their dreams a reality. A place for people to meet, to share and develop their ideas in an environment supportive of many approaches and points of view.

So there’s today’s dream set. There’s surely lots more, like art cars, theme camps, giant art and a bus rv conversion, but I feel like those are simply more specific manifestations of the general principles outlined above.

I want to do a lot of different things and that’s part of the challenge of being me. Figuring out where to focus the energy. But I feel confident that many of these things will come to pass, especially as I contemplate them and say them out loud. Here it comes. Here it comes…

On Track

Feeling off course. I’m not cut out to do what I’m doing right now. Not enough of a people person. Or rather not enough of a clean cut conservative “hey howdy” kind of people person. I’d rather get into the real stuff, the freaky stuff, the stuff that makes each of us unique and the underlying bits of ourselves that are never talked about that make us the same. Polite chit chat isn’t my forte.

What is my forte is coming up with whack ideas. Building a team around that idea. Figuring out how to make it happen. Crazy, wierd, dumb stuff, but amazing all at the same time.

I went by the Moment Factory today, mistakenly thinking their open house was today when its actually tomorrow. I don’t know a lot about them, but what I do know I like. They’re all about interesting creative projects like giant LED beach balls at Coachella or wild projections on buildings. Stuff I dig. I’d kill to intern there. So many other places too…

What I realised today is that the shit jobs I take to pay the bills take up so much of my mental energy to endure that I don’t have much energy left to do what I love. I spend so much brain power just convincing myself to go to work its exhausting, because really I don’t want to. What I need to do is let go of the shame, frustration and resistance, do the “get me by” job as quickly and as efficiently as possible, and then use all that energy I’ve saved to do the real stuff. The more I do what I love, the more what I love will approach me and my path, until we cross, and suddenly I’m on that path, fully and completely.

Almost there. That’s why its so hard. I can SEE the other path from where I am and I keep trying to get to it but derail myself in the process. Impatience is what’s holding me back. Soon enough there’ll be a switching track ahead, and I need to be ready for it. I need to see it well in advance and be prepared with all my energy, enthusiasm, hard work and practice. Yeah. That’s what I’ve gotta do.