I’m realizing that for my work, my job, my purpose, that I need to be more specific. I can’t just say that I’m a videographer, or a photograper, or that I do performer videos and house videos and demo videos and event photography and on and on. I really need to stop all of that, or at least slow it down and figure out what the one true thing I want to focus on is. Not that I have to exclude everything else, but if I want to be successful I need to focus, and not only focus on what I think will work, what I should do, but on what I’m truly passionate about. And that’s scary, because that means taking the risk that what I’m passionate about is difficult, unpopular, won’t pay the bills. I have to confront all of that and go for it anyways.

So what is that thing? I’ve never been good at focus, at least not sustained focus. I’m always so awash with new ideas and inspiration its hard to just hunker down on one singular task, and that’s probably got more to do with the fear associated with taking something all the way and really investing in it. That’s something that’s hard for me, but I’m starting to see that its also where excellence and personal satisfaction truly lie.

So I need some kind of a roadmap to get me there. Some kind of a plan. The generalist video and photography work has the advantage that it teaches me a lot about different ways of doing things, different approaches, different values. The drawback is that until I specialize I won’t really excel. Which, for a time is okay, but eventually I think I need to start accomplishing more, to do my work in the world. To leave my mark and do things that I consider valuable and good. How do I get from there to here? How do I support myself, not only financially but also spiritually and intellectually throughout this process? How do I teach myself to focus rather than giving in to fear and changing course? Not that changing course is always bad, but there should be some general direction, some cumulative movement or goal, even if its constantly in motion itself, receding like an ever changing horizon.

How can I turn my short term goals and projects into investments towards an ever more meaningful future for myself? How do I leverage seemingly mundane or unrelated activities that I pursue in order to “make a living” or whatnot so that they don’t only support me now, but lay a foundation for the future? How do I honour my needs, desires and values in the small everyday things I do as well as the bigger projects that I undertake? How do I avoid distraction? Overcome the fear of letting a good idea go and in the process fail to develop any of my ideas to the point that they deserve?

This is definitely a project for life, but I’m going to take it to task particularly during this holiday season where I’m comfortable at (my parents’) home, in nature, free of any great obligations or concerns. If anyone has any ideas for exercises or techniques for engaging with any of these mysteries I’m open to ideas and suggestions.