I’ve got things to do but I also have things to process. A lot of things.
Its a shame chaos has such a negative connotation in our society today, because really what isn’t chaos? Chaos is change and change can be good or bad. Often we get confused as to which is which.
Today I think is the first day that it really hit me. I was paddling down the canal with ‘Lil Lady and she asked me what I was going to do, and there were two answers really. There were all the things that bubbled up that I’ve been thinking about doing, super 8 tourism videos for Montreal, busker festivals, wedding and kitesurfing videos in the Carribean. But there was another set of… more intangible answers than that. More of a feeling. A sense that everything was going to change. Really. Everything.
From over a decade of working for other people to just doing it myself. Not only that but the unparalleled freedom to just pick up and go anywhere.
I spent an hour tumbling these thoughts this afternoon. As exciting as it is to have so much change rolling all around me sometimes I feel like I’d rather just spend my days curled up with someone special, soaking up filtered rays from the sun. I really feel like David vs. Goliath sometimes.
Like Midnight Poutine camp. Did I ever expect it to be something this big and complicated? Did I ever really want that? As with the question about working there are two answers, yes I did expect it and want it, but in truth I had no idea what I was getting into. So it goes with these big moments in life I suppose, where you jump into a new career, a new school, a whole new kettle of fish. I just haven’t had this much change… it feels like I’ve never faced this much change.
It feels good though. To have such a clear outlook on the kind of life I want to lead, even if the details are completely unknown. I could end up anywhere, doing anything, but I know what my values will be, what kind of life I want to lead and what kind of example I want to give. I want to give in the unique way that only I can. Countless people can check someone onto a flight at the airport and it will be much the same for each. My goal is to have more personal, substantial effects on the world around me. “Window or aisle.” will no longer be the extent of the choices I’m empowered to give.
I have other things to say, about my 5-List and how its helping me not only to get things done, but to put my priorities in perspective. How for a long time I tricked myself into thinking I was enlightened on the subject of not fretting over the future when really I’d just masked it. Being much more conscious of me, my beliefs, my thoughts, and my emotions. Even more, always, every day.
We can call it a spiritual growth-spurt perhaps. That’s what it feels like. Some of it is easy and exciting. Other things are difficult and scary. But going back to the old ways is not an option.