My heart is palpitating from the reverberations of my previous posting and the possibilities that it creates. Its goddam scary, incredibly so. But sometimes, not always certainly, but sometimes fear means you should jump, right into the heart of it, the flashing stripes of the tiger’s cage. Kind of like when I jumped off of that cliff into the lake in Yellowknife just a couple of weeks ago. In fact just like that. Scary as hell, but fuck, so refreshing, and once you’ve done it once, hell…
So, scary. It is there, thrumping and pumping right under my sternum, trying to punch its way up my throat and into my head and give me a good punch in the brain. The heart is a kind of emotional and impulsive guy, more reptile than mammal really. And he’s wearing a business suit.
“Think about money / Just think about money / Because… / Some people have real jobs / Some people have real jobs / Some people have real jobs / Oh I wonder what its like / I can only imagine! / I had an imaginary boss / And imaginary clocks…” – Kris Demeanor, Real Jobs
So money is one of the excuses. Another is Montreal and everyone and everything here. I’m kind of thinking that the only intelligent way to take advantage of three years of travel perks and no time obligations to the company would be to travel A LOT. So I’d miss all this. But shit. Montreal’s not going anywhere.
The deadline to ask for the departure is August 15th, so I have some real work to do between now and then. A heaven wrapped sabbatical? A globetrotting adventure? An artistic pilgrimage?
One thing I’m thinking about is getting the book The Artist’s Way, and maybe one or two other inspirational tomes, and commit a block of time to myself, truly to me, developing me, exploring me. Seems like a good thing to do in your 30th year of life.
Maybe I’ll volunteer abroad, maybe I’ll take a course in something, maybe I’ll open an etsy store and start living off of art. If a teenager can get almost a grand for a steampunk keyboard – well anything’s possible.
It feels like a big fork, but this path would certainly lead to CHANGE which is unknown and scary true, but there could be such amazing things out there. This prong I’m on now… I get it. I can handle it, its easy. Too easy. It puts me to sleep.
Goddam I’m talking myself into something CRaZy…