Its Time

Nothing like waiting until the last possible moment to do something you dread. It allows you to enjoy that dread to its fullest, stretching it out over time like an unbreakable strand of bubble gum, getting dirt, leaves and bugs caught in its stickiness.

Okay its nothing like that. I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of guy when it comes to most things, and particularly taxes. But now I’m doomed. Doomed to spend the afternoon with paper, pen, pocket calculator and a tightening sensation in my gut demanding that I throw everything out the window and yell “Freedom! Freedom!” to the yuppie masses below.

I can do this. I can. Seriously. But…

Maybe if I jerk off to some MySpace hoes first I’ll be a bit more relaxed…

Ten Years Ago…

And here I was bitching because I was living in the past. Oh well, those who don’t study the past and all that…

How much have you changed?

10 Years ago…………………..

1.) How old were you: 18
2.) Where did you go to school: Central Memorial Senior High School
3.) Where did you work: I was a paperboy
4.) Where did you live: Woodbine
5.) Where did you hang out: My basement and backyard with my role playing buddies – good lord…
6.) Did you wear glasses: No.
7.) Who was your best friend: Jon.
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Sarah Emann
9.) How many tattoos did you have: none
10.) How many piercings did you have: none
11.) What car did you drive: I didn’t
12.) Had you been to a real party: Define “real”
13.) Had your heart broken: No
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Single

Five years ago…………………..

1.) How old were you: 23
2.) Where did you go to school: University of Calgary
3.) Where did you work: Unemployed bum
4.) Where did you live: North Hill, in the duplex with Gillean and Julia.
5.) Where did you hang out: School.
6.) Did u wear glasses? No
7.) Who was your best friend: Nobody, I just got back from a year away.
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Might’ve been Julia, scary that.
9.) How many tattoos did you have: None
10.) How many piercings did you have: None
11.) What car did you drive: None
12.) Had you been to a real party: North Ryde Gentlemen’s Club – yes
13.) Had your heart broken: Yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Single

Present Day…………………..

1.) How old are you: 28
2.) Where do you go to school: Nowhere
3.) Where do you work: WestJet & self employed
4.) Where do you live: Calgary
5.) Where do you hang out: Home, Hop ‘n Brew, Original Joe’s
6.) Do you wear glasses: No
7.) Who is your best friend: Brian & Chriz
8.) Who is your regular-person crush: I’ve got a few, and they’re almost all facebook friends, so let’s keep the mystery alive shall we?
9.) How many tattoos do you have: None
10.) How many piercings do you have: Someone I’ve made it ten years without having any holes through my body.
11.) What car do you drive: Soon a 1996 Civic sedan LX, but not yet.
12.) Had you been to a real party: Duh. Burning Man.
13.) Had your heart broken: Working on repairs.
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Single

100 Questions When I Should be Eating Soup

001.Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?: She’ll probably force me to. I’m indifferent.

002. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?: One or two pairs do. I’m cheap.

003. What are you dreading right now?: The next chapter in the Triple-B/Kaos saga.

004. Do you celebrate 4/20?: With an annual screening of Dark side of the Rainbow.

005. Favorite country singer?: Corb Lund

006. What face cleanser do you use?: Nothing at the moment, though I’m contemplating a metro-sexual shopping expedition to get some. How lame.

007. When was your last doctors visit?: A year ago maybe? I’m not sure.

008. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep?: Anywhere from 4 to 12, its random.

009. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?: Am I late? 5 minutes. Early? Forty five minutes.

010. “First Loves Are Never Over” is this true for you?: “First Loves?” – that’s plural. I don’t get it.

011. Think of all your exes: Creative, intense, frequently diagnosable with Borderline Personality Disorder.

012. If anyone came over to your house on one of your “lazy days” would you go get ready real quick?: To do what? I can hang around with friends in my Hugh Hefner housecoat.

013. Does your school have tornado drills: We had fire drills.

014. Have you ever been on your schools track team?: No, though I could beat all but one of them.

015. Do you own a pair of Converse shoes?: No.

016. Who did you cut and paste this survey from?: Triple-B. I went into survey withdrawl and I knew she had one.

017. Do you eat raw cookie dough?: Especially in ice cream.

018. What color shirt are you wearing?: Topless again.

019. What did you do for your last birthday?: Invited people over to watch Dark Side of the Rainbow – I can’t decide if it was a gongshow or not.

020. What time did you wake up today?: 6:45 – stupid morning meetings.

021. What were you doing 3 nights ago?: I was at work, letting my crew cheer me up.

022. Last time you saw your mom?: Yesterday.

023. Do you like having your hair pulled?: If I had hair. Maybe.

024. Are you cocky?: I can be faux-cocky in a self-ironic kind of way when I’m doing something I’m good at like UE or my job, but really I’m rather humble.

025. Shortest relationship?: Two days, it ended because I was leaving town. Not sure you could really call it a relationship, but it was certainly something.

026. Longest relationship?: Hard to say on this one. I regularly went out with RedHead for three years, but that was intersected several times by our traveling. It might’ve worked out to just over a year in actual physical co-location.

027. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you they love you?: Four or five.

028. Last gift you received?: Forgiveness, from an old, old friend.

029. Biggest lie you have ever told?: “We can’t be friends anymore.” My head thought it was true, but my heart vetoed that.

030. Could you live without a computer?: Yes, with some difficulty. Its actually nice to take a break from it once in a while, but I almost never do.

031. Do you wear shoes in your house?: I’m usually barefoot.

032. When you watch movies at home, do you turn the lights off?: Yes, its not a theatrical experience otherwise.

033. Ever been given an engagement ring?: Or given I presume? No. Thank God. It would have been a terrible mistake at the time.

034. Ever dropped your cell phone?: At least once a week.

035. What do you do when you’re sad?: Ask one of my best friends to go for drinks, lie in bed, watch DVDs, write.

036. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?: Probably Snype.

037. When was the last time you saw your best friend?: That would mean deciding who it was out of a field of three or four. I’m going to answer for the group then. Yesterday.

039. What is your favorite month?: Shitfuck I dunno. April/May is good.

040. What sleeps with you every night?: My pillow. I need to hug *something* when I sleep.

041. How many times have you been pulled over?: Never.

043.Who is the last person you texted?: Triple-B last night trying to come to some conclusion as to what happened two Wednesdays ago, Bloody Wednesday.

044. What is your favorite dessert?: Hard to answer when I have no appetite. Sex on the beach?

045. Is anyone on your bad side right now?: I’m upset with Triple-B right now, frustrated more than anything else. I’m not angry. I’m sad.

046. What jewelry are you wearing?: Nothing.

047. What’s the first thing you do when you get online?: Launch facebook. God that’s shameful.

049. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?: I don’t watch the idiot box period.

050. How do most people spell your name?: Kay O’Sweaver for some demented reason.

051. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes?: Umm, no.

052. Do you watch pro sports on TV?: Only at work or with my father.

053. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?: Probably cutting and pasting this damn survey. Thirty minutes before that looking at the blog of someone I haven’t seen or heard from in a long, long time.

054. What was the first movie that gave you nightmares?: Doctor Who is the first one I remember giving me nightmares.

055. What is in your cd player?: What’s a CD? Right now Pink Floyd’s Division Bell is playing on my mp3 player.

056. Name one person that made you smile today?: RedHead’s email.

057. What were you doing around 8 am this morning?: Typing minutes in a meeting.

058. Do you know anyone who wasn’t born in Canada?: Heaps. My favorite is South Africa – that’s cool.

059. Favorite name for a girl: Danielle, Veronica, Cheri, I like French names for some reason. Lily has a nice ring to it for some reason.

060. Will you keep your last name when you get married?: Coolest name wins. Hell I’m going to use a screen name most of my life anyways, who cares?

061. Your favorite resturant you don’t get to eat at much?: El Sombrero – I haven’t been there since I took FunkStar there on a date three years ago.

062: Favorite boy names: Fuck I don’t know! I don’t care! Are we having babies here? Is that it? Because I’m not in no baby havin’ mood!

063. Do you buy your own school supplies?: Surveys by teenagers for teenagers. <sigh> Yes I did, aren’t I a big boy?

064. Do you already have your school supplies.: I need more pens. MORE PENS!

065. How often do you wash clothes?: When I notice I’m out of something.

066. How do you eat your steak?: It really depends on the quality of the meat, medium for grade A, well done for anything less.

067. What is the farthest point North you’ve been?: Red Earth, Alberta. AKA: Hell.

068. How do you get to school?: Public transit, for ethical and economic reasons. I will have a car and a bike soon to give me more options especially since I’m working all over southern Alberta now.

069. If you heard your phone ringing right now, who do you expect it to be?: Someone from my men’s team checking up on a detail regarding our upcoming conference.

070. What do you hear??: The Eagles on my stereo and traffic outside.

071. Would you survive in prison?: If Josh Wolf can, I can too.

072. Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook?: A wall post to Sean and an actual message to Kara.

073. Do you get along with your co-workers?: I do, I wish I could spend more time with some of them.

074. When was the last time you said I love you, and meant it?: Said or typed? Typed a few hours ago. Said it? Shit. I can’t remember.

075. What song is playing right now?: Portishead – Sour Sour Times

076. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely over pack the most?: If I decide to bring the video gear, me, because I won’t use half of it. Otherwise… Brandi? I dunno.

077. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?: I know someone who has the same first and last name who works in film in Calgary. Yes it gets confusing.

078. When was the last time you went clubbing?: A year or more, plenty of pubbing though. I miss the club and dancing my ass off, but it has to be the right music and the right people.

079. What was the weather like today? Looks good. I’m feeling a touch sick so I’m staying indoors.

080. What is the next holiday you have off?: I work two days a week – sucka! Seriously though I don’t know. I’m usually working in some capacity when I travel, a full fledged holiday? Probably MineCon.

081. What was the last movie you saw?: Faster Pussycat!

082. What’s for dinner?: Oh fuck, I don’t even want to think about it.

083. Whats the last thing you purchased?: Breakfast.

084. What’s your favorite gardening tool?: Hoe. LOL! Chainsaw?

085. Where is your cell phone?: Slowly bleeding to death on my desk. The dumb battery has been ridiculously inconsistent lately.

086. Is your phone on vibrate or ring most?: Ring, I often miss the vibrations.

087. Describe your Underwear?: Tropical plant boxers.

088. How did your first pet die?: Bladder infection, we put her down, probably the saddest day of my life.

089. Did you have breakfast this morning?: Mellons, bacon, sausage, pancake…

091. Who knows you the best?: Brian probably knows me the best today, Jeff used to but he’s gone off the deep end. Jay knows me pretty well too.

092. What brand is your digital camera?: Canon 20D, it treats me really well.

093. Do you smoke?: A cigar every month or two – that’s it.

094. Are you ticklish?: That would be telling.

095. Last person to text you?: Triple-B.

096. What song describes your love life at the moment?: Kris Demeanor – Practice

097. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne etc?: I have something I wear maybe twice a year I got for Christmas a few years ago.

098. On average, how much do your jeans cost?: Twelve bucks at the V&V Boutique.

099. Are you taking college classes?: I’ll be going back to film school in 2008.

100. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone?: With someone, but that’s only happened a handful of times in the past three years. It makes me sad every time I got to bed.

To the Future!

Its time to turn this boat around. This blog has been all about the past recently. How ultimately small events can feel like grand catastrophes when in the larger scheme of things, they’re just markers on the road to somewhere else. Enough time spent at the “Point of Interest” – let’s get back on the road.

So I was thinking. What would be the peak of my life? The point where everything was going perfectly and I could just gently coast the rest of the way through the waves and onto the sweet sunny shore of retirement. I think I’ve got it, or a good portion of it. My dream;

Its an old warehouse in a city like Montreal, San Fransisco or New York but in a kind of chic, trendy part of town. On the ground floor is a doorway with an old school marquee above it. The marquee says Lumiere Lounge and below that are obscure, esoteric film titles that conjure up cautious, almost risque curiosity. Inside is a martini lounge/movie theatre.

I own the Lumiere Lounge but the manager looks after the day to day operations of serving martinis, clever fusion dishes and the best in overlooked and under appreciated cinema. Usually though I’m too busy upstairs where the production offices, studio space and workshop for Astral Projections is located. I direct a feature film every two or three years, filling the rest of my time with music videos, commercials, documentaries, writing comic book scripts and doing speaking and teaching appearances.

I live in a loft a few blocks away. The loft has a freight elevator and I use the elevator to get my car (electric) from its parking place in my living room to the street outside. The whole loft is open concept, pretty much one room and eclectically decorated with art from my friends and co-workers. My wife, smart, beautiful, independent but still enjoys spending time together. She trusts and accepts me, and I adore her and care for her.

I chose my jobs carefully. I am known for my creativity as well as my integrity. People respect me and my work whether they agree with me or not. I have friends in all sectors of society, academics, businessmen, artists and scientists from all around the world. I travel frequently, usually under the guise of doing work.

I’m getting ready for my first trip into orbit to shoot some kind of film project – whatever I’ve managed to bullshit someone into funding. Really I just want to go into space.

That’s where I’m going. I’m sure it will change, but right now, that’s what I see.

Framing the Truth

Lying has a kind of respect and reverence with it. We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to him.
Samuel Butler

What a fantastic quote. Something worth stopping and contemplating for a moment. A lie, really is an acquiescence of power, of deferral and perhaps most importantly of all, an expression of fear. Its self apparent when we think of our motivations for lying. Think back to being a child. Breaking a vase. If you lie, its because you think it will allow you to evade the impending punishment associated with your actions. We lie to authorities, not subordinates. More than that we lie to those authorities because we don’t have faith in them – we don’t believe they have our best interests in mind.


This is all true, but why is it so powerful to understand it? To state it so plainly? For this simple reason – to empathize with those who lie to you.

Give that a few moments to sink in…

“Lying has a kind of respect and reverence with it. We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to him.

Do you feel it now? A lie is, in a strange way a compliment, a form of recognition. Why do you think the government is so often accused of lying? Because ultimately we the people are in control. Even in a totalitarian regime, at the end of the day it is the masses who have the reigns of power, whether they realize it or not. The same goes for our personal relationships. When someone lies to you it is because they fear you, because you possess (or appear to possess) some sort of power over them and their interests. Lies are about disempowering the powerful.

But a lie is only a kind of respect, and not a particularly good one. It acknowledges your power, your superiority, but it isn’t grown from real respect. As we said it has more to do with fear. Real respect comes from knowing that though someone or something is superior to you, they have your best interests in mind as well. If you have faith in your boss, your parents or your partner, then you don’t need to lie, because no matter what happens they will have your back. Sometimes we don’t trust ourselves and then we can’t trust others, no matter how much we would like to. So we lie. To ourselves, and to them.

So. I will try to keep this in mind, and when I think someone is lying to me I will have a different perspective. I will understand that the reason they’re lying to me is because they don’t feel they can trust me. I will try to find a way to demonstrate to them that they can trust me. I will also ask myself if they trust themselves, because if they don’t, then there’s very little I can do.

There’s no reason to get angry at someone who is lying. Instead, accept the honor of being powerful in their eyes and do your best to live up to that standard, so that they can realize that lying isn’t necessary.


My radiators are shrieking, whistling. Its kind of like listening to bombs plumetting during an air raid, mixed in with small mammals screaming in a hamonic chorous of pain, accompanied by the rattling of dry old bones inside clay pots. Its kind of distracting.


Its been an interesting, somewhat productive day. I slept in early as I’m apt to do when aimless and depressed, but I only slept in as late as 10am. Really not bad by my sleeping in standards. I can go as late as two or three on a good (or is that bad?) day.

Today was my first day of shooting house tours for realtors. On my way out the door for the job I realized my tripod was still in Dr. SARS’ trunk. Bugger. Fortunately the dude who runs the show brought his tripod so it all worked out fine. Pretty simple boring work, but good money. I spent the better part of the night wrestling with Vegas trying to edit the footage. The documentation for this program is total ass, and there really needs to be more intuitive ways of doing things. Oh well. I’ll adjust.

Speaking of videos, this vlog project is looming over me. I’m tired. Too tired really to set up lights, do costume changes and act. Why can’t I do anything simple? I guess I feel like this was such a big event in my life that it deserves at least quasi-epic treatment. So yes, I’m working on it. I have about five minutes of usable footage shot thus far. God. My vlog is going to have an atrocious shooting ratio…

But before I go, this;

Thanks to all of my friends, for helping me to forgive and accept myself. For helping me to see that I’m a good person, accidents happen and no matter what the end result of all this is, I will be better off for it. I can’t heal someone else’s wounds. I can only offer support and my appologies. I’ve done that. Now. I wait. No. I don’t even wait. I just go on.

Well, like I said. Tired. Oh so tired.

Talk again soon lovelies.


It looks like through total random accident I may be picking up Zombie Movie Night at the Castle Pub. Remember when I blogged about that? Well it seems the dude who ran the shows got into a spat with the doorman and he doesn’t do it now. People fight, refuse to talk to each other, sometimes they make amends, sometimes they don’t. Seems to be the theme for the week.

Anyways I was supposed to be meeting CrazyLady for Zombie Movies and she got the story from the bartender. They’ve still got the screen and the sound system all set up, they just need someone to come in with a projector and stuff to show. While I don’t have the cool analogue video mixer the previous dude did, I think I can find and/or create enough bizarre shit to keep Zombie Movie Night going for a little while. I just need to borrow a projector (got one you’re willing to loan out?).

For a moment I asked myself if I was qualified to take over, then I thought back to last night. I had a dozen people in my apartment to watch The Wizard of Oz to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Rainbow. Then Wave Twisters, then Six String Samurai. Yeah. I’m qualified. In fact it would be a nice weekly duty, figuring out what fucked up shit to show. Especially if I do some whack edits/video scratching.

It reminds me of FunkStar’s super 8 and slide shows for Flashlight at the Night Gallery. That was her task every week, to create the visual entertainment to accompany the DJs. Similar thing here. Have some fun making things for people to watch and getting paid in jugs of beer. Fine by me.

So, first film? The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao. I think its appropriate since I first saw it at the Cineforum in Toronto.

The Trial

I dreamt that I was in court, defending myself against the charges brought against me, my actions on Wednesday night.

There’s a reason I don’t vlog. I can’t make a simple little video. There are multiple shots, wardrobe and dramatic lighting to consider, what about the music? A talking head might as well get transcribed into text. If you’re going to use the power of the moving image, you’d better use all of its potential. Otherwise its like using a 2GHz computer and a color laser printer to make a grocery list.

Yeah, there’s going to be a video. A kind of artsy, very personal video. It will be cathartic.

More importantly though. I feel ready to forgive myself, and that’s really all that’s in my power to do now.


The wind is cold and wet
It stings my skin, my eyes
Yet I go on

The past 24 hours have been a nightmare. Its been a long time since I’ve had a truly horrific day. I suppose I was due.

Words don’t really suffice how I feel, so I’m not going to attempt it. At least not now. I’m too tired. Explaining the events, the chronology of shame. I’m not ready for that tonight. I may vlog it over the next few days.

Suffice it to say I made some grave errors last night. I have spoken to many people about it. Friends so true that they’ll tell me flat out if I’m being a douchebag. They tell me I wasn’t, that it was an honest mistake, an accident with unfortunate consequences.

Then today the snow mixed with the shame, and everything at work seeming to go wrong – ensuring that I hit bottom, so that I can humbly and wisely begin to climb back again.

Today I was told a story or a proverb. It goes like this; The Buffalo is the only animal that turns and walks into the approaching storm when all other animals flee. The Buffalo understands that by walking into the storm, it divides it in half, emerging from the other side while the other animals are still enduring the wind and snow.

Moving towards trouble is sometimes the fastest way to get through it, though it will be painful.

My apologies to Triple-B for what I’ve done. Know that I didn’t intend any harm. I learned a lot today, things I will never forget.

Mom, dad’s naked again

Well its official. My parents just bought their tickets to Burning Man. I have this idiot grin on my face right now. The feeling is hard to explain. My folks will be trekking down to Nevada in their VW microbus to join in on the biggest counter cultural orgy in the world today. Do they have any idea what they’re getting into?

My parents aren’t exactly conservative, they’re rather liberal, open minded people. Otherwise where the hell would I have come from? Even so, they’re hardly hippies… well maybe they are, but not hardcore hippies, microbus aside. Mom wants to paint it, I don’t think dad wants to. That’s for them to sort out.

What I envision is this. Dad will be totally shell shocked for a couple of days and mom will bury herself in the event guide, seeking out labyrinths and meditation workshops. Around Wednesday dad will break through his barrier and start running around naked and scaring the locals with his enthusiasm – and they’ll love him for it. Mom will be mortified.

We’re going to camp apart. I don’t need my parents listening to labored breathing and moans coming from my tent, nor do I need them to see me bent around a wormhole thanks to some psilocybin mushrooms talking to the Eyes of God about my quest for immortality. Parents worry and worry is the last thing you want at the Burn. I don’t want to walk them through it either. But… its going to be amazing to have them there.

Burning Man is sort of like my religion, my spiritual home, so it will be amazing and wonderful to bring them into that sanctuary with me. If I find mom at Spike’s Vampire Bar though… well I might be disturbed.